Definitive Aggression List

You’ve heard of micro-aggressions, but do you really know what they are? And are you familiar with the entire spectrum of aggressions, from the lowest end of the scale to the highest? Here is the definitive list…

Zepto-aggression: An extremely tiny aggression by the least wacky of the Marx Brothers, which usually goes completely unnoticed and overshadowed by those of his brothers.

Atto-aggression: Masculinist aggression, sometimes followed by a high five and “atta boy!” exclamation.

Femto-aggression: Somewhat more offensive aggression, but they won’t you WHY they’re being aggressive, because if you loved them, you’d know.

Nano-aggression: Usually comes in pairs, and is the annoyance you feel when exposed to too much of Robin Williams’ shtick at one sitting.

Micro-aggression: Aggression caused by television personality Mike Rowe, who apparently visits a lot of Ivy League colleges if all of the complaints are to be believed.

Milli-aggression: Aggression caused when you realized that the pop group you’ve been listening to doesn’t actually sing any of their songs, but merely lip-synchs them.

Centi-aggression: Being one penny short on the purchase price for something.

Deci-aggression: When your wife has some ’splainin to do.

Deca-aggression: Caused by hipsters endlessly bragging about the superiority of vinyl recordings.

Hecto-aggression: The kind that makes you yell out “What the heck?!”

Kilo-aggression: This aggression can lead you to murder the perpetrator.

Mega-aggression: The kind experienced on a regular basis by the daughter on Family Guy.

Giga-aggression: Also from Family Guy, the reaction of feminists to Quagmire’s lechery.

Tera-aggression: The level of aggression that can lead to tera-ist attacks.

Peta-aggression: Aggressions perpetrated by radical animal-rights activists against fur-wearing old ladies, but never leather-clad bikers.

Exa-aggression: This, tripled, is the reaction by some feminists and fundamentalists to pοrn.

Zetta-aggression: The reaction of the entire human race during the genocidal invasion of aliens from Zeta Reticuli during the late 21st Century AD.

Yotta-aggression: There is no recorded case of anyone being this aggressive; although sociologists predict that such behavior would lead to violent mood swings and extreme shifts in behavior, followed by the banning of tens of thousands of people from a blog, ending with obscurity and Chee-tos.

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